The strength to smile everyday

Once again it’s  been a while.  I have been working on me, as always.  Yesterday something happened that has really had me depressed all day.  Yesterday a friend of mine met my daughter for the first time.  After meeting my daughter they were dumbfounded and said how beautiful my daughter was and that she looked like she was adopted because she is so tall, thin, beautiful, so different from me.  They were amazed she was my child.  I can’t say it was or wasn’t meant as a backhanded compliment, but it hurt either way.  That was the first thing that happened.  After that a guy I am getting to know sent me a message so we had a conversation while I was cleaning and making dinner.  My friend was being a brat and picked up my phone and scrolled through the messages.  Then the face of my friend got very serious and they told me that the guy just wants sex, there is no interest in me, blah blah.  They were telling me this because they didn’t like the looks of the guy and they didn’t want me to get hurt.

From those two incidents my self esteem was rather crushed I have to admit.  I cried in my car a couple of times today and the people that know me said it was very obvious something was wrong.  I have tried to get out of the funk, however my own horrible ruthless voice in my head says things like “well, with make-up you’re not ugly.  Just wear make up, learn to do your make up so you look really nice” then the thought of “sure make-up but eventually he will see you without makeup and you’ll look hideous and there goes that relationship”  that inner conversation is followed by “its not totally your faultimate you’re fat.  You’re working on it. You have a lot of strikes against you though…short, not pretty, minority female too. It could be worse right” the answer to that is FML.  I totally understand how people go nuts over this and have eating disorders and emotional disorders.  Society is not kind to heavy people or people who are not “pretty”.  There are all these movements that talk about no body shaming and all kinds of other “positive” things…isn’t having to say No Body Shaming sort of doing the body shaming in an undercover way?  “Hey, stop body shaming her” is kind of like saying hey leave the fat girl alone or hey leave the thin girl alone.  It still hurts, regardless.  From the couple of days that have gone by with all this feeling like crap I was reminded to guard my words and actions at all times because you don’t know it’s going to affect the person you’re speaking to.

Those people who are struggling with weight on both ends of the spectrum, people who aren’t “good looking” those people who don’t fall into drugs and/or alcohol and manage to put a smile on their face everyday regardless of what b.s. is going on inside them….those are truly strong people.  I tried to smile through it and I barely could.  My brave face wasn’t brave enough being as some people saw that I was feeling down.




3 thoughts on “The strength to smile everyday

  1. Just because someone saw you were suffering doesn’t mean your brace face wasn’t enough! You’re still here. You had the wisdom to turn to writing and reflection.

    I struggle with bad self talk too, but I believe I can learn to be kind to myself and I’m practicing that. It helps. All anyone can do is practice.

    Ps, if that’s all that guy wants, that’s a reflection of him, not you. I know it’s hard to really feel that when you think horrible things about yourself, but if you look at the situation as though it were happening to someone else who you don’t have those thoughts about, it’s really clear. Some guys are just worthless, and sometimes they try to interact with someone too good for them and they don’t even know it.


    1. Thanks for the comment!! You brought up a great point…..looking as if it’s happening to someone else. I am AWESOME at helping others with their relationships and other issues but when it’s me, everything I know goes out the window. I have to work on saying positive things to myself in my head on a daily basis.


      1. One thing I’m learning about positive thinking is to be careful to say things that I can believe. If I were to jump right in with an affirmation of “I’m an amazing, beautiful person and I love me for me!” my BS meter would be off the charts… but I can manage “growth mindset” sorts of statements, such as “I am glad that with consistent practice I can improve myself” or “I am finding worthiness in myself” … I can also use mantras to adjust my behavior. My favorite is “I serenely do what I have committed to doing” because the word “serenely” forces me to stop arguing with myself. So that’s what I’ve learned through podcast listening and through practice.

        Looking back on your post, there is one more thing I’d like to offer you another possible perspective on. The anti/body-shamers. You’re absolutely right about some of them being condescending and not actually genuine, but I think it might be unnecessary to believe that they are all body shaming in a sly way. Again, imagine an analogous situation that you have less emotion attached to. You mentioned you’re a minority but I don’t know which, so imagine a person A of a minority group that you aren’t in and imagine you see someone, person B, giving person A grief over something. You know that person B is full of it and judging based on stupid stereotypes. If you feel the impulse to stand up for person A, does that mean you secretly agree with person B? Of course it doesn’t. Likewise, I assume that some anti-body-shamers genuinely reject the idea that different body types deserve ridicule and shame. Obviously I don’t know everyone’s hearts, but I find it more pleasant to give people the benefit of the doubt when I can find a way to.

        I’m sorry to preach so much. There’s just so much hurt in your post, and I thought maybe an outside perspective would be comforting.


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